Fairly sure I was poisoned…

Who fuck’n poisoned me…no serious!  good god dammit I’ve never run those types of equations in my fucken head – ever…who did it!

I’ve been keeping bad hours the past few days … mainly because of this wedding…Jeffs wedding…actually pretty good wedding…

but the kids were out until 1am with other wedding party people … but I already felt like shit because I was so tired (mostly the day before)…who knew indy could be so fun…

the wedding went down pretty good, like it was supposed and like everyone wanted.  DId the best mans speech with homeboy keks and I didnt think it went bad but it didnt go great either…but a few people mentioned that we did well…it just didnt feel as good as it could have…

The fucken DJ nailed it with journey as the last song  – I gotta write that down!

Well, everyone hustled back to the hotel and grab a bite to eat, a beer and some good convos with everyone that came in for the wedding…no reason to no participate.  I really did feel like complete dog shit at this point due to my (unrealistic) perception of the best man speech…I think from here on out I’m never doing another one…ahhh fuck it!!!

some where along the line someone dropped a pill into my beer…I don’t know if it was the battshit crazy waitress who was already tee’d off that she was serving a bunch of fucken hipsters or if it was someone within the party that picked up on my lapse of depression and discourse…but somewhere along the line…or maybe I’m just being dramatic (sorta don’t think I am)…

Wrapped up my beer and I think keks picked it up for me … up to the hotel room and changed into nothing and proceeded to bed…fucken weird…but I feel asleep pretty quick just like you’d expect…

like how a blaring bathroom light hits you at 2 am when all you want to do is piss, but not all over the seat, I woke up in quite possibly the coldest evil’est sweat ever…my pillow was soaked, the bed was soaked…I actually thought I pissed the bed! which would be rather hard to explain to housekeeping…but no piss, just sweat…and lost of it…heart pounding, wide awake, shaking, wondering what the fuck was going on…and rush of guilt, depression, thoughts of suicide, failure, regret, anger, sadness, and annoyance took me over like how a tsunami tidal wave takes over a coastal town…you see it coming, coming from miles off the coast, in a massive blur of perfect clarity…

which, for eveyone who doesnt know me (everyone) is a 180* from me overall…I’m mister fucken positive, it could always get worse, keep your head up, shit happens mentality…

I got out of bed, wide wide WIDE awake and took a few seconds to observe the shittier parts of indy from the 24th floor of the JWM…the occasional set of headlights running the streets, the night lights of the city south of town, the red blinking lights of communication towers…weird…I started looking down closer to the foot of the building and the tsunami wave of negativity was nothing but a few hundred feet out … and all I could think about was ending my life right then and there…it was the nuttiest feeling in the world but a massive feeling of failure completely took me over…so much to the point where being 250 feet in the air was the scariest feeling since my first skydive…it was so overpowering that I immediately put clothes on got out of the hotel … I immediately took the elevator down to the lobby and hung out in the lobby for a few minutes and walked around downtown for as long as I possibly could…it was cold and windy so a few blocks of windy indy air was all I got…I got back up to the hotel and I don’t know if a responsible line of thoughts entered my head and I damn near called the police on myself, I started thinking if indy had a suicide prevention hotline!  like what the fuck!! these were reasonable conscious thoughts that left my forehead…

I got back up to my room and back into bed…I think by now it was 3am…I laid in bed, warming up and trying to put a reason behind the past few hours but couldnt do it…nothing made sense…I’ve done plenty of drugs, alcohol, adrenaline but this was like nothing ever felt before…

I laid in bed, still shivering from being outside and finally fell asleep an hour or so in…

I woke up around 8am for breakfast and felt completely normal…like nothing happened…

All I can come up with is that someone put an antidepressant into my drink bc I was so bummed earlier and ‘thoughts of suicide or depression’ was hitting me…

This whole episode got me thinking…put me in the place of super famous people who’ve committed suicide to end their lives…what if someone could gauge the distance between the highest-high and the lowest-low of anyone individual?

And given this ‘distance’ as a  indicator of ones feelings from their highs to their lows…

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: